by Karen Moller. (excerpt from Ditched and be Ditched)

When the love of my life dumped me the question wass what did I want? Certainly not for my-ex to just slip back into my life in his old twenty year unromantic thoughtless role. Mostly I didn’t want to be sitting at home on Saturday night with him writing poetry while I watched TV even if it was a good film or documentary; I wanted to be in it—well not actually in it, but out there being part of what was happening as I had been before I met him. I wanted my-ex to show me he loved me – not to just say he loved me. Did I really believe that he had now changed and if I took him back he would actually make an effort to show he cared in the way he seems to care in his emails?

For centuries love and romance have been endlessly explored themes by writers and poets. My-ex is poet and a great reader of the poems from Sappho to Shelly, Byron and Browning, and all those in between. Not to mention Shakespeare and novels by Jane Austin and Nicolas Sparks and his being devoted to many a romantic film – yet incapable of being romantic in daily life. Surely, all he needed was a lesson from his own poetry to become the romantic person he believes himself to be?

Aren’t romantic expectations with spontaneous gestures of affection and emotional support a normal part of any relationship? Why can’t guys be affectionate period? Yeah, I know you probably think I’m living in a dream world to believe the break with my-ex could make a difference of how he might treat me in the future if I let him back in my life. That he would buy me flowers when he rarely ever bought me flowers — actually he did twice in twenty years. Or I would stop having to remind him it was my birthday or other members of the family. Would he organized a romantic moment for Saint Valentines or for  any anniversaries or for anything else for that matter. That lack of thought and lack of awareness on his side made me feel I was taken for granted. And of course, there were moments in the twenty year with my-ex, he was kind and seemed to care about me. He was a great conversationist and an intellectual man I could admire and love. What was odd is that in romantic moments he didn’t get it. Bingo he would say or do something unromantic which ruined the moment. I’m not just talking about my-ex but guys in general who often ruined romantic moments by stomping all over one’s emotions. Rather than apologize they were inclined to say I shouldn’t take it personally as it was not their thing. And yet romance is everyone’s thing, it’s what we all want. Don’t we?

The difference or so I do believe is that women spend a lot of time planning romantic outings and thinking about what the men in our lives would like or what they might find amusing. Even when I shopped, I bought the type of food he liked to eat and clothes for him I knew he would like to wear. I’m not saying women are prefect. But no doubt we like to think of ourselves as Wonder Woman, not just sidekicks to Superman or Batman. Romance and love may not the same thing, and certainly, romance isn’t sex—although it can lead to sex. What is sad is I had always hoped the guys who courted would write me romantic letters, but they never did. Mostly their letters were about what they wanted to do to me sexually and that included letters I received from my-ex. His current emails, since he dumped and wants back, are the closest thing to romantic letters that I have ever received from any man.  Below is just one of those classic emails from my-ex – the type of letters I had always dreamt of receiving from a lover: unfortunately I am still too broken unsure how to respond.

Nov 25, 2022. I send you a goodnight hug on your birthday. I grieve when you speak of our future. Far from my just moving on, I think of you constantly. I remember so much of our happy experiences with love! It is simply untrue that “I don’t care”— you must put all that shadowy image of me out of your head, it could not be more distorted. What happened to us is simple. I was intoxicated by a woman. She was toxic. It is true when I say in my mind, I never left you – I was under a shadow. I realized it quite soon, her behavior was shocking, violent, but it took months for me to break with her, like an addict I was addicted. That is why there were those false starts, they were not deliberate. In the end when it was too late, I broke with her in the most definitive and violent emotional break. A total break. I have never thought of her since except to remind myself she is a confused dark human I need to forgive.

I was in deep shock for two years, overwhelmed with guilt and regrets over what happened with you. I am deeply ashamed of my behavior. Only a slow self-awareness and spiritual concentration helped me survive. I have not forgotten the beauties of our companionship. Love and friendship are the rare and beautiful things and an important variable in the happiness equation. Love is not peculiar to a couple; in a way it may be more difficult and less pure because of the jealousies and the resentments that may lie beneath the surface. My life, my mistakes, my self-deceptions have become crystal-clear to me as never before. You gave me great beauty and love I know that. I remember so much with deep emotion. I think about you always. I believe with all my soul that love is the eternal value that binds us all together.